Thursday, October 25, 2012


In any game, for there to be a winner there has to be a loser. No one wants to be a loser, and no one wants to be married to one either. Marriage isn't a game - so don't keep score. You're supposed to be on the same team. Just something to think about.

Friday, May 18, 2012


God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
-Reinhold Niebuhr
This is the original poem which has been adopted by AA and other 12-step programs. I like this longer version better. I can see why AA uses it. Live one day at a time. Isn't that one of their -isms? But here's the part that speaks to me the most: "hardship as a pathway to peace." No one ever got anything worth anything without working for it. Sure some people have things handed to them... bully for them. What is is really worth if you didn't earn it??

Take the world as it is, not as [you] would have it. It sounds sort of defeatist, but I don't think that it truly is. I think that what it's really about is that the world is a giant, heavy, amorphous idea. To worry about the state of things and how you think they suck is just a recipe for self-destruction. Focus on the positive. Focus on your self. You do you. I kind of goes back to this sticky note I have up at my desk at work that says, "the happiest people don't have the best of everything - they just make the best of everything they have." I have to remind myself of this concept constantly. 

Did I know, going into this marriage, that Hubber was an alcoholic? Maybe. I would say no, but some people would probably say I was just in denial. Does it matter? Not really. I knew he had issues, regardless of whether or not I knew the depth and breadth or how they would manifest in sleepless nights watching the time tick away wondering when or if he would make it home safely. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Hubber is an amazing man. He's incredibly intelligent, funny, loving, creative, supportive, romantic, and (except for when he's been drinking) honest. I fell in love with him. I chose to marry him. It was my choice. This is not the life I envisioned when he asked me to marry him, but it's the one we've got, and it's more good than not. Every marriage is a daily choice no matter what issues are there, and every marriage has issues.

Hubber is in counseling. It's not a magic bullet, but it's helping.  Last night Bunny and I came home to an empty house. He was at the bar. It was all very familiar... until it wasn't. He made the choice to drink, but then he did something unusual. He made the choice to come home, hours before closing time. Not "good," but "better." Sometimes that's all you can ask. I choose to stay because at the end of the day/week/month/year, the love in our house is bigger than any of his issues, and stronger than any disease. The moments of enjoyment outnumber the moments of frustration, and that's what's important.

I believe in God and the power of prayer, but I don't think God "grants" us anything other than life. We all have the power to choose serenity, courage, and wisdom, but we have to choose it for ourselves. I think that to ask God for these things is a little redundant. They are already in us. They were put there at the time of creation. No one can grant me serenity, or give me courage; not even God. I have to choose these things for myself. The tools are in the box, so to speak. I just have know when to use them, and then do it.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Beyonce Breastfeeds Blue

On the one hand, GOOD FOR HER!
On the other, WHY IS THIS NEWS??

Lactivists everywhere rejoiced hoping this would help turn more heads to "Breast is Best" and women's right to breastfeed in public. While they might be right, I can't help but think that as long as someone breastfeeding in public is considered newsworthy... we've got a long way to go. :(

Thursday, February 2, 2012


I've had a few days recently, where my suppy seemed to have dipped, and some other days when I seemed to be doing really well on the pump, and I started to wonder how much my milk is really affected by things like water consumption and how often I pump. So I decided to track my pumping in much the same way as the doctors had me tracking my breastfeeding in the hospital... but I couldn't find a tracking sheet I liked. So I made my own! And then I decided I should probably share. See it after the cut. :)

Friday, January 20, 2012

Hope, Love, and Linkage

We've had a few setbacks, but we're on track at the moment. We're on day 4.
Here are links to some amazing articles I found that might interest you if you or someone you love are dealing with alcoholism like my family, whether it's mild, moderate, or severe.

Challenging Old Assumptions About Alcoholism

What to Ask Your Doctor About Alcoholism

The Disease of Alcoholism

Friday, January 6, 2012

Hope, Plans, and Dissapointment

My new year's PLAN is to post at least once a week. I've been very slack. This is partially due to the fact that I've been busy with the holidays and work, and partially due to the fact that my husband has been "trying" to quit drinking, and I wasn't sure I wanted to post about it, but didn't know how to post and NOT talk about it. Why didn't I want to post about it? Because there are a lot of Judgey McJudgersons out there who don't understand alcoholism, and I wasn't sure I wanted to expose myself to their belligerence in the event that he failed. And he has. Repeatedly. He's still "trying" but we're on the second or third declaration of quitting-ness, and we're already off to another false start. The last time I really thought it was going to stick. He went out against my protestations for "an hour" that turned into seven, which is not that unusual and typically wouldn't prompt any revelations for him, except that I called it. Not that I don't always. Every time he goes out, it's supposedly for "just a couple drinks" or "just an hour" and I always know that it won't be, and I always say so when making my arguments for why he should not go out... but this time I called it to the hour.

Hubber: Well, I want to go out for a little bit, but I don't want it to be a fight. Are you going to be okay with that?
Me: No.
Hubber: Why do I even ask?
Me: I don't know. You never care what the answer is.
Hubber: Just for an hour.
Me: Babe, you always say that. We have this exact same conversation every time you go out. You never plan to be out all night but you always are. You'll say you'll be home by eight, and I want to believe you, but you'll come waltzing in at one.
Hubber: I won't.
Me: Whatever you say.

He went out. What time did he get home? One. Oh. Five.
I think the freaky psychic freakness of it freaked him out a bit. When he got home, he was all, "I'm sorry. I'm late, aren't I? I tried to be good. What time is it?" One. Oh. Five.

Hubber: You know what this means, don't you?
Me: What?
Hubber: Everyone's gonna know. Your family is going to hate me. I'll probably lose my job.
Me: My family won't hate you, and why would you lose your job?
Hubber: I can't do it by myself. (1st time he's ever admitted that) I was only able to quit the drugs because I was in jail (way before I ever met him. He's been clean for 14 years.) I'll have to do an inpatient program. I'll have to tell them why I can't work for a month. They'll fire me for sure.
Me: If you're really concerned about your job, why don't you try outpatient first? AA? Or private counselling?
Hubber: AA doesn't work.
Me: It works for lots of people.
Hubber: It won't work for me.
Me: How do you know?
Hubber: I don't know.

Eureka! I thought. He's finally got it! He finally agreed to find an AA meeting and TRY it. I looked into sobriety programs offered through my employee assistance program and gave him all the info. I thought he was finally going to do it. But a week later, his band had a show, and he was drinking again. He never went to an AA meeting. To my knowledge he hasn't done anything we talked about. He's still trying to do it on his own even though, by his own admission, he knows he can't do it alone. I offered to go to counseling with him. I don't know what else to do. His latest attempt lasted 9 days. His goal is to make it to 14 days this time, although that was supposed to start on New Years Eve, and then he drank Wednesday at band practice. He says it didn't count. I'd try to explain why it didn't count, but I didn't understand it when he told me, so... whatever. I'm counting from Wednesday. We'll see.

It was important that he quit before, for his health, my mental health, and the health of our relationship. Now it's even more important because since my psychic moment he has been laid off. We're broke-itty broke. broke. broke. Despite his plan to quit, he ended up spending more on alcohol last month than our entire month's rent. Now he's unemployed... and yet, I have hope. Bunny is the living expression of that hope. It has been said that bringing a child into the world is the greatest act of hope there is. He wants to quit. I believe he can.

People say you can't change people and you shouldn't want to; that if you do, you shouldn't be with that person. But I don't want to change him. The alcoholism isn't him. Alcoholism is what hides who he really is, which is the person I fell in love with. Did I know he had something of a drinking problem before we got married? Yes. Did I realize the extent of it? No. Did I know he was an alcoholic? Hell no. Does it matter? No. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Those words mean something. I take them very seriously. Alcoholism is a sickness. We will get through it together, one way or another, one day at a time. This is day two.
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